Rede(vine)

First blog of 2021, no pressure.

Glad I didn't write this at the beginning of the year and say the whole bring on 2021 because it can't be much worse than 2020. I don't know about yall, but my 2021 has probably started off bringing me more pain physically, mentally, and emotionally in one month than all of 2020 did, but hey maybe that's just me.

With that being said, it has made this blog an interesting one for me write. Many thoughts and experiences that I felt I wanted to write about. In classic Meesh style, I'll more than likely write about none of them. Actually I know that I will write about none of them because in the few moments that have passed since I was typing and now, I've developed a more clear thought process of what I really want to focus on.

It would be extremely easy for me to fall into self pity and write about the sadness and pain I have experienced in the past two weeks, but the reality is that there are still people out there suffering greater loss, sacrificing more, struggling more, dealing with more, and focusing on the negativity never helps getting to a brighter day.

Sit back, relax, reflect, and process...

Lately, I've been thinking of myself as a seed.

Seeds require to be buried and watered before blossoming and I feel as if that has very much been my life. I feel as if I have been picked up and planted in new soil, an unfamiliar territory. At first, much darkness, a cold feeling; then the water works. In this case, I was self sufficient and watered myself. Part of the grieving process, part of the growing process. A few days of shock and sadness, remembering the flower that I use to be and enjoying the environment that I was living in.

Now I look around looking toward a future I have never envisioned.

Where have I been planted? What kind of flower am I going to be? What will I look like? Who am I going to be surrounded by? Do people pass by often?

A lot of mystery to the future.

At first, I'd go through emotions of being mad, sad, angry, confused, not understanding why. Why all at once? Now, I try to be excited about it. Excited about adventuring around unknown territory, learning new skills and hobbies, enjoying the small things again, gaining a new appreciation for life and those in it. Grateful for the mobility that I do have and being blessed to have the access to resources to still live a flourishing filled life.

I cannot say I enjoyed being pulled up like a weed, tossed to the side, and replanted unexpectedly. Understanding the process and reframing the scenario has helped though and brought much positivity to uncertain times. The thought of emerging from the soil continues to motivate me and drives me towards reaching new goals in order to redefine myself and discover what the unknowns are out there.

I do not think that I can stress enough, that not only does the seed and water matter, but I have learned or shall I say reminded that understanding the soil is very important. What is it that surrounds you? Who is it that is still there? How are they helping you flourish or are they using your water?

I am lucky to say that my soil is filled with nutrients and perhaps even miracle grow. My soil, my people, have shocked me with the amount of support and comfort that I have been given during these times. The amount of people, both old and new, that have reached out and checked in on me has been astounding. I could not be more grateful and appreciative of the support that I have received from those near and far.

Without the soil, I would have never been replanted. I would still be going through the emotions. Out there in the wind wondering when I will land.

It would be easy to look at the negatives and at first I did, but then I remembered that sometimes the tough times, the times we would rather chose to avoid than suffer through, are the times that build us and makes us who we are.

I look forward to the day that I blossom, but until then I'll continue to remain humbled, blessed, and grateful for being exactly where I am today. I may not always understand and sometimes it may be hard to see, but eventually the fog will rise. The land will get closer. The flower will begin to grow.

I will learn. I will grow towards the light. I will adapt. I will grow thicker and stronger roots. I will thrive, regardless of the environment because at the end of the day my core ingredients remain the same, no matter the new shape I may take. I will grow bold.

I will stay true to myself and I will remind myself that it does not matter where I am at or how far I have come, but as long as I water not only myself, but the soil around me, I will always find happiness.

Happiness comes from within and for me, it comes from those around me, the soil and sticks.

Sometimes I cannot stand on my own, just like a flower needing a support stick. It takes time before the stalk is strong enough to stand tall and often it'll always need a little bit of help as it continues to expand.

Thank you to those who let me lean on them when I'm in need, hold me strong when I want to bend, and have surrounded my seed so I stay planted.

The sun may be temporarily shaded, but I'm already starting to feel the heat again.

Here's to growing, here's to the resurface.

Be YOUnique. BeYOUtiful.